Her Dark Countenance

Your mask has a crack on the cheek

Larger if I'd noticed it sooner
But I’ve peeked past your porcelain skin
I’m over playing chess
With the black queen

I can’t say the things I want to say
by not saying them
It hurts you

The tender scar
Where your mask used to be
It must be hard

I missed the chance to see you

As you are

I would like to take a walk on the dark side.

I think I’m bad at dreaming, because I die every other time I do it. When you find out what a joy it is to live, you learn what it’s like to be afraid. Now I’m older and manly, so I’m scared of being scared. But scared is natural. It’s the self imposed darkness of sleep that brings either nightmares or dream escapes. Uncertainty leads to fear. Fear leads to a lot of things. A fear your nightmare will come true. A fear your dream wont. Before you can cross a fear, you have to build a bridge from underneath it. Before you can bask in summer’s gaze, you have to trudge through winter’s discontent. You have to embrace the darkness before you’re born once, and before you’re born again. Soulstice.

[If only you knew the power of the dark side.]

We don't always mean the things we say.

When I was young, there was a child in my elementary school class who was deaf. The teachers all tried to teach us how to speak cued speech so that we could communicate with him. I never really got it. I believed that if I just faked it, I would eventually pick up the language. I didn’t know how mean this was at the time. Now I know exactly what it is like to be made fun of by someone who isn’t making fun of you.

[That’s why people always ask you to say what you mean.]

Selfish

We all want things that we aren’t entitled to. I’ve wanted to be in love for a long time. I used to trick myself into believing I was in love when really I had just found someone who would tolerate me. I wanted it that badly. I still want it, but sometimes it is better to be open to something you want instead of seeking it out. When a woman rejects me it still hurts, but I act like it doesn’t. Sometimes women are afraid of telling me that they reject me; they don’t want to expend emotion on me. Is that selfish? I guess it could be. I probably only think that because it hurts to not be worth telling. Is it selfish to think that? I guess it could be.

[just because you aren’t entitled doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it.]

Phillip K. Dick was not actually catholic

When I was young and idealistic I thought I could change the world. From a cubicle or outside of one, wherever really. If everyone was on the same page, maybe the world would be a better place. Then I got old and not stupid and I realized that so many things that are wrong with the world are a reflection of individuality. You cannot change the system from within, because the system changes you instead. There is nothing wrong with accepting the world as it is. There is no system worth being afraid of; only change.

[but he was Episcopalian; it is easy to confuse the two, Jack.]